I wanted to write about Tashkent (Ger., Eng.). For some time, especially since the (German) review of Stronski’s (scroll down to 2003) book came out. It did not work, another escape maybe.
It’s the 19th or 20th day of the year. Did something change? Is there something really new? The old year is closed – letters are written, cards have been sent, the bookkeeping has been brought up-to-date. Things are prepared, all is ready, the year started again sometimes after the 6th, Heilig Drei König (Ger., Eng.) 14 days ago.
I received a very nice letter that says basically nothing else but “Yes, I heared from you”. But it makes me feel happy. It triggers an idea, an illusion of something that could happen. A possibility.
I will write another letter of application tomorrow to an institution I very much like – it has no gloire, it is simply there and does a god job and I’d very much like to work for them – or maybe it is just again my imagination running wild.
There is always the big promise, the library to be catalogued, in March. I will make contact to the man at the end of this month, carefully – heck, I know! – but nevertheless with a tiny pressure: After all I was promised this thing back in September.
Tashkent is like looking at motor-car sites, travel sites – kleine Fluchten. But there’s always the promise, the what-could-be, the idea of something different. Maybe this what keeps one (me) going.
Right now the desk is filled with papers, terrible xerox copies of handwritten notes from years ago, my customer can not read them and asks for a transscription, a very small job. A friend asked for help with an elaborate text, chapter by chapter, oh dear … it’s a bit like Stochern mit der Stange im Nebel – write Baby write! – but at the end will be an other immaculate text.
I do not moan. I am simply very tired. Down to the bone. The time between the years was not recreational, because of the death of a friend of my father, it brought up a lot of memories, some nice and pleasant, some not. And it did not stop. I have to think a lot about death, about my own situation, and how things shall go on. Yes, there’s always the book, the escape at hand, music, art – but there is the undeniable need for a basical change. And I hope that it will come in this year. I did try hard over the last months and years, there must be a result, hopefully to the better.
Oh Well …