Personal Bla & Whine

I need to whine a bit. I am not content with meself. I do not get my stuff sorted, jobs done, I blame the heat. I am not built for heat. I can not sleep properly – of course I must have slept for some time through the night (the last nights ; the night to Frayday was particularly bad), but it feels as if I was always awake. In the morning I am angry at meself, at the warmth staying in the room, at my swollen face – it is sometimes so bad that I can hardly open an eye, especially the left one, the un-operated.
Then I fall asleep again through the morning, and all the well thought out plans of last evening, to venture out in the morning to go for errands, sit at the desk and really do something while it is still bearable, evaporate.
My friend asked me not to go out in the afternoon, but wait ’til the early evening when the sun will not torch down directly anymore, yes good advice. But where she lives shops are open until ten in the evening, when it really becomes a little cooler ; shops here close at 20:00, and it makes no real difference whether I walk the shadowless walk in 36°C or 32 °C. Using the bycicle borders on a suicide attempt.
The “jobs” are not really mind bending difficult. I need to write something – by shortening something I already have written, it’s a two hour effort -, and I need to sort stuff here, so that the ridiculously high heap of papers shrinks, and hopefully vanishes. Just take a sheet of paper in your hand, understand what it is, and either rip it & toss it into the waste paper, or file it. Or put it aside, sort through the whole heap, and then file all those similar letters, documents, stuff in one go into the correct folders – it is really not difficult ! And of course, I should – finally ! – read something I was trusted with (sorry M. I will, I will – just don’t wait for me. It took me some weeks to read through C.’s poems … which I liked very much btw.).
I just need to start. It is like that damn first sentence.
I read an article about procrastination. The quintessence was that one just needs to start somewhere – oh yeah, thank you, very helpful, as if I wouldn’t know.
Thankfully the heat thwarts any efforts of “Übersprungshandlungen” – I hope this is the right word for stuff you do when you should do other stuff. Like washing the dishes when you should sort papers. My kitchen is awfully clean right now. As is my bathroom. Clothes washed. I run out of options. (Yes, I know, the windows, thank you A.)
I just counted five heaps of stuff that need to be tackled, the most important is on my desk, the second on a chair nearby, the rest … hmpf.
A major distraction was my neighbour in the wheelchair. Since I came back last Sunday evening from Swiss he really managed to fill my time with his ongoing mobile nursing service drama. I know that hese people are mad, and would have changed the service provider months ago, I have no idea why he allows these things. He is yelled at by the boss of said service, they threaten him (“Nobody will come to help you !”) if he does not sign something that suspiciously looks like a made-up list of services they made / performed – for me this list looks like pure invention & attempted theft, it’s a real horror show !
On top of this he asked me to help him get rid of dwarves. I happily killed them with a hammer (fight Kitsch wherever you can !), and while shoveling them dirty gnomes into large blue bags I twitched a muscle in my back. What made me curse the dwarves – they got what they deserved ! – and meself for being such a stupid idiot : As if two damn disc prolapses are not enough – noh ! You must fight damn dwarves glued into ugly brown plastic containers on the ground of a disabled man’s living room in the biggest heat, and twitch a muscle because these effing dwarf dioramas are too heavy to lift : You are too dumb to find yer arse in yer trousers Mago !
But I wore my mask with pride, ha !
It may sound rather bleak what i write here, but I am not. In fact I can write, that’s something. I could not, over the last days, in fact I could do nothing, except kill dwarves. I am in the process of entkrüpfeln, and the dreaded deadline(s) do help : I will leave this place on Monday morning, and there will be no heaps left. Things will be sorted, stuff will be copied and put into envelopes, letters will be posted on Monday morning – I will leave this place in a way that requires me not to face the same damn duties again when I’ll come back. I will come back to a clean desk, yoh ! May be a long Sunday …
I feel better now. At least I accomplished to write something, even if it is self-centred whining only I throw at my venerated readers, please accept my excuses.
I want to have a cold beer now.

8 thoughts on “Personal Bla & Whine

  1. I wish I could help you. I understand, my friend. I often feel the same way! For a long time our temperate climate here in Western Washington was envied by the other states in the summer. Cool nights and warm, but not overly hot days. I never took this for granted! These last 10 years I have felt the effects of climate change first hand. We never needed air conditioners here. It was a novelty. Now every year more and people buy the a/c systems. This was going to be our year to invest in an a/c system. I have been known to terrible nightmares and panic attacks during hot nights that refuse to cool down. I wander the house in the dark like a ghost begging for rest. So comes a pandemic! Now is not the time to invite contractors into the house for bids on an air conditioning unit. This summer has been merciful at least. In fact today, the view outside my window looks like a day in early March and not early August. Should I write or should I sleep? I’d be grateful for both. I hope your conditions will improve.

  2. The gnome smashing sounds fun! I think you got your priorities right by helping your disabled friend.
    Do not worry about the procrastination; we are all at it. I have done an in depth survey, and even those who used to be productive have ground to a halt – and it’s not down to the heat, it’s down to the extra vigilance we have all had to take on because of the pandemic, which is exhausting. Everything is now short term and about day to day survival. Forgive yourself.

  3. Interesting that you mention the dreams Melanie. Since it became hot I have very lively dreams ; some are emotionally intense (not action packed, no falling down etc.). I vaguely remember discussions with people I knew / know. But what astonishes me most is that these dreams do not stop – like in wake up, go to the loo, look out, sigh, go back to bed, and meet something different : It is all the aforementioned, and when I go to bed and drift off again I just keep going on where I left. As if the “persons” in dreamland waited for me …
    I am not trained to memorise my dreams, I know that it is possible. I never wanted to dream, I can not seriously explain why. I just do not want it, to remember. The dreams I do remember are not nice, very realistic, I even think that I could identify some of the surroundings, areas, places, howeveryoucallit.
    When I look out I see more and more dead trees – over there & there are small areas with dead trees that need to be cut out, some are pretty high, hence old, but they simply died. A neighbour made the same observation, over the last five years more and more trees here died.
    In a survey the local authority stated that within ten (!) years we will see a serious change of what grows outside, regarding trees, bushes. The city is already experimenting with new sorts of trees they need to replace for the shadowy streets – so yes, it is changing !
    I can not write when I am in such a state in the middle of the night – I just want deep, undistrubed, refreshing sleep for eight hours, or more.
    Thank you for your concern, no worries, it will be good. And I will have read it at the end of the week !

    My neighbour’s taste is a bit peculiar, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate it (think of those kitchy boys with roses, ahw I forgot the name !, you get my drift), it is all nice – and the jungle of his (former artifically) plants (now real plants – GOD how does this man make them grow, I don’t know !) is stunning – and heck, what do you do when you are wheelchair-bound and sit the whole damn day in yer appartement ?
    “Forgive yourself” – there you said it MsScarlet – this is the hardest part. Not only regarding the procrastination, but a big part of that dreaded laying awake contains thoughts of mishaps. failures, right out mis-whatever I do not know the words – situations that come to haunt me, yes I’d like to forgive meself for my mistakes, wrong decisions, being an arsehole situations, but it works only slowly.
    But that’s just me lying around & tossing.
    The other thing, the one called pandemic, pandemonium – it just makes us think, shiver, question … another “thing” that shows us that nothing is granted, all is short term, unsure, fatum. It seems that all we can rely on is what we can control, and we control basically very few things.

  4. I think cleaning your kitchen and bathroom are much more productive than sorting and filing papers. Doesn’t everyone have a stack somewhere looming over their life?

  5. I am intrigued with your dwarf/gnome killing, Mago. At first I thought “dwarf” was another name for something else – a codename, if you will, and then I thought it was some sort of computer game your neighbour has. It was only when you mentioned pulling a muscle that I realised they were actual, physical things. Are they garden variety gnomes that your neighbour has (or, “had”, now) inside because his garden is inside (artificial or real)?

  6. My neighbour has much too much time at his hands – what results in more or less regular re-arrangements of furniture (I think he now has really any variation tested, but the appartement does not grow), and he should get rid of some stuff – easier said than done.
    Besides that he now has real plants again – and these things grow like mad. The dwarves were a kind of side-project I think. It is also possible that they have been in his appartements for ever, but were well hidden behind plants or other stuff. Anyway, one day he started to arrange these ugly fellas in boxes, containers, glued them on wierd artificial plants – I think he got carried away a bit. All I know is when ever I came into his room there were more of them, it was a bit of a dwarf infestion. But one day last week he asked me to get rid of two of his arrangegemnts – he even told me to use a hammer and break them. What I finally accepted and happily did, after I had tried to lift one of these damn boxes to put it into a sturdy plastic sack – and promptly twitched a muscle. What I am thankful for, it could have been worse. I simply have to accept that I am an old sack now.

  7. Sorry, to answer your question IDV : They are / were of the garden gnome variety, but not all. Some were different. There were also msuhrooms, snails … I think he even has a dwarf castle – a bit carried away, as I said.

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