A Letter

Dear anonymous caller,

 first of all, congratulations that You found that number ; how I got and how I kept it, is a nice (and boring) tale, no need for tedious details here. I do not write this number on walls, and basically have a good idea to whom I gave it, I’m pretty much sure that You are not amongst the chosen few.
Well Nony-baby – You do not mind that I call You Nony-baby, do You ? Ah, come on bro, don’t spoil the fun ! – see Nony-Baby it is not a usual thing that I talk to strangers on the phone in the middle of the night. So You were really lucky to reach me last week. See I was damn tired and with all that illness around, it was a bit of a tense situation, I was un-concentrated – so I simply grabbed the phone without looking at the display ; and when there was nothing on Your end of the line – it was a bit of a let-down, to say the least. Not even a bit of heavy breathing. Right – the fact that You called again ten minutes later allows some hope for the future. There is room for improvement, and I have the feeling that You are the right person for this ! Yes – do show some ambition, and perfect being whatever You want to be : Just do it, Nony-Baby ! Become the sad sack that You are, to the fullest.
But as promising as our relation started, nothing lasts for ever.
You must be strong now, Nony-Baby.
See the second time You called, I simply did not answer. This could be understood as unsportsmanlike. But I really did not feel up to. And yes, Nony-Baby, normal people – You know : the others ; those who point with the naked finger at You, what do they know ? – realise after the fifth or sixth ringing that nobody is at home and stop. But You are no quitter, no way ! Because when Nony-Baby rings the phone, the bell tolls, the earth moves, no-one dares to ignore this, Wigallaweiha !
Just me.
But be assured Nony-Baby, it’s better You do not hear anything, because when You call again in the middle of the night, I will choose a more robust approach. I could be tempted to have  a bad conscience for a second or so – after all isn’t anonymous calling sooo enchanting old-fashioned ? Shouldn’t the last practitioners of this dying art be allowed to be protected, somehow, somewhere ? On Devil’s island perhaps ? Wisconsin or French Guyana, I don’t care. This may be questions worth to be discussed in a late evening talk-show by sociologists, media historians, and one or two ex-Nony-Babies.
So, to make a long story short : Call again in the middle of the night, preferably when I finally have fallen asleep, then be prepared to have Your eardrums burst, the ensuing bleeding will shrink Your already small brain a little more : the Thunderer will teach You. It was good enough for officers of the Titanic, so it’s good enough for me ; and You, Nony-Baby.

Mit freundlichen Grüßen