Tag: nightmares

Meanwhile

While I slept, worked & tried to get rid of unwanted memories, the world kept on turning. Strange things happened.
I did not follow the speech of The Leader, the usual melange of spin, half-truths & plain lies, but two things found me scratching my head. The remark about Northern Korea, some idiocy about a “bloody nose” – does Donny Dipstick really want to start a war ? He’s sick enough for this.
The second thing was the whole enactment, the stage production. I am not familiar with these speeches about “the Uniom”, so I do not know whether this is the regular proceeding, but I found it pretty disgusting : Especially when The Leader generously waved at his pack of sycophants and allowed them to rise for the standing ovation. Way to go, Donny : In 30s Berlin and today’s Pyongyang they jump(ed) up when da leadah was / is only looking at them. I think at least one person did not get up – and thus surely learned what it means to be different. The hype about this “memo” is just nonsense, it is a smokescreen. The only thing it proves is that The Leader really has something to hide, and is ready to use any means to save his lousy arse. Possibly even a war.
Regarding war : In occupied Poland Germany erected extermination camps. The actual Polish gouvernement just passed a law that prohibits to speak of “Polish camps”. What at first glance seems to be a legitimate thing is sadly a part of the national-conservative rulers’ (so far succesful) attempt to re-write history. This is the reason for historians from Israel to oppose this law. The leaders of the PiS-party simply want to establish that the Poles were all innocent victims of the German aggression and had nothing to do with the extermination, with the holocaust. What is simply wrong. Poland had & has a history of antisemitism. Through the second world war there was collaboration – not only in Poland, but in any country we invaded – and there were  (of course !) Polish individuals who became guilty as Kain. There was not “only” Jedwabne (1941), but Kielce (1946) too (see). But PiS is re-writing history – and of course yells for compensation for the damages of the war, happily ignoring international treaties that already have solved anything in this regard. It is pretty sickening.
Sickening too is what happened in the German parliament some days ago. A member of the neonazi party gave a speech concerning his party’s ideas about the reunion of refugees’ families. It was stuffed with nazi formulations and showed nothing but a concept of man Himmler would have approved. The head of the Green Party finally had enough and yelled at the fascist. The President of the Parliament did nothing. When questioned he said something along the line that “it must come out”. He meant that those brown swine shall expose themselves. I only hope that his trust in the stability of the German democracy is justified, but, frankly, I have some doubts about this. The nazis are elected, they are now, while the Social Democrats form together with the Conservatives the ruling coalition again, left as the largest opposition party. This does not show me the fears & angst of the electorate, to me it shows its barbaric dumbness and aggression.
And sadly enough, dumbness, aggression & ruthlessness is what these three depicted situations have in common. We live in an age of shamelessness – and I do not mean naked skin or presented tools of procreation. On the contrary, there seems to develop a new kind of prudery when pictures of breasts are not allowed on so called “social” media, when museums unhang paintings (!), and a breastfeeding woman is looked at as a monster.
But you can shamelessly belie like a president, shamelessly lie about historical truths like a Pole, and shamelessly use nazi-speak about human beings like a German “politician”. If 2018 continues this way it will be remembered as
“The Year of the Shameless Swine”.

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On German Politics

Schweinerisch is a word coined by fellow blogger Foam in her comment on the last post. It is a very nice word I think, and describes my feelings not only about some German politicos, but the whole political situation very well.
The German Federal Election (Ger., Eng., site) lies back several weeks, and the result was not as clear as one wished. Forming a new gouvernement is difficult, because of the initial refuse of the Social Democrats to form another coalition with the Conservatives, or to take part in a coalition at all. The head of the party, Mr Schulz, simply refused to play a role. So talks started between the Conservatives, the Green Party, and the oh so liberal FDP.
Just a note : The German word “liberal” or “liberale Partei” has nothing to do with the American fighting word liberal. I think what in Northern America is called liberal is mainstream here ; what we call “links”, left, is in the US seemingly understood as bordering to anarcho-communism, at least when I look at conservative media.
These talks were long and exhausting, and ended with a bang, when in a well-planned & oh-so-spontaneous action the head of the “liberal” party stormed out. And while he was still fighting to get into his jacket and walked the twenty meters or so to the waiting journalists, he miraculously put together a well-worded declaration. Accidentally those journos too drunk or too tired could have the hand-out too.
The only thing those liberal idiots proved is that they do not care about the state, the parliament or anything else : All they care about is themselves.
May they rot in hell.
Now there are talks between the Conservatives and the Social Democrats to revive the coalition that has ruled for the last four years. They sooner or later will find a compromise, the question is only how long this coalition will hold together.
The underlying problem is that in this parliament – with more than 700 members the largest crowd ever elected in German history – that in this parliament sit more than 90 fascists.
None of the bourgeoise parties will work with them, it is not thinkable to have these people in a gouvernement. I only hope this stays so. But one has to acknowledge the fact that they are there, grinning, following their stated aim to teach the “Altparteien” or “Systemparteien” (both nazi-words they reuse) a lesson & to form the state as they want it to be. One has to understand that this party is the strongest political power in Saxony (the tenth largest state, the sixth most populous, of sixteen), and strong enough to sit in many parliaments of the single federal states. As opposition, but nevertheless in the parliaments. With the notable exception of Hassia and Bavaria.
Looking at a “liberal” egotrip / einen liberalen Egotrip, social democratic refusal of political civility / sozialdemokratische Politikverweigerung, a crumbling chancellor / eine bröckelnde Kanzlerin, and on top of all this, the greasy smirk of those fascist creatures / das miese Grinsen der Faschenlarven, schweinerisch is absolutely correct, in any aspect.

Rattle. No Roll

Yet. I am still a bit rattled.
If you follow my waffle here – for what I am thankful – you may remember that I took up a job as driver some moons ago. It is a job to pay the rent, really. That’s how it started, nowadays I would miss the boys if I’d get the chance to work in my profession again, but I’d do this without any question and hesitation. BTW I had a job interview two weeks ago, well, I’m still driving. But it was very nice to see that I am at least still eligible.
I do not write about the day job here, simply because it is just what it is, and because I do not want to be whining.
A driver drives, I do more than three thousand kilometers a month in the vehicle, a pretty large, white, diesel-powered passenger transporter fitted out for the special demands my passengers have. I drive on Bundesstraßen, A-roads, Landstraßen, B-roads, and narrow country lanes. I avoid autobahn, especially when my passengers are aboard. It is simply a risk I do not want to take.
On average it is all three months that a dangerous situation occurs – dangerous as in : A heavy impact is narrowly avoided – and every time this happened on slip roads or on motorway-style enlarged A-roads. On the country lanes everybody, with the notable exception of the dumb boy racer in his old testosterone-fulled BMW or Golf GTI, is careful, the professionals know what they can do with their vehicles. And if it takes ten minutes more, so what ?
The guy who tried to wipe out my codriver and me this evening on the other hand needs a special award.
I was on a motorway-style A-road in the fast lane (that is the left one on the continent). From the right a motorway exit slip feeds in, while to the left is a motorway access regulated by traffic signals. I was not particular fast, noticed a red car on the far right well ahead, my codriver was telling a story. Next I know is that the red car was basically vertically coming from the right, crossing over all lanes to reach the slip road to my left, I was in the process of t-boning him. Thankfully nothing was to my right while I pulled the vehicle over, heavy on the brakes, sliding on the mean trickle we had for the whole day.
While I was still rolling ahead & sorting my gears to stabilise my swaying bus the little piece of crap came back. It was seemingly not the gateway he liked, or the red lights did not match his seats, or maybe he just wanted to avoid ramming the car that was waiting at this damn traffic light, I do not know. All I know is that we had the same affaire again, this time from the left. He pulled in front of me less than a meter away while I was accelerating to control my vehicle and all of a sudden I thought that it would be a good idea to ram the basted to nirvana.
He drove a kind of cabriolet in red, I think it was Mercedes, and now he put the pedal to the metal and outpaced me easily. I realised that he lifted the foot when I came closer. Some hundred meters ahead to the right is a parking slot, and all of a sudden he pulled sharply to the right over the slow lane and the exit into said parking area, of course without indicator or any shown regard he rammed the car in there, still sliding with locking wheels when I thundered by. Following in would have meant a serious disaster with an unavoidable collision. I only hope he ran his car into the mud and ripped the suspension out.
All this took less time to happen than it takes you to read this, I am pretty sure it was less than ten seconds : No time to think & reflect, just action.
My vehicle took it easy, afterwards she was revving freely doing hundred km/h without any effort at 1600 rpm. Smart thing – I want to thank FORD for building a reliable and stable vehicle that one can throw around over three lanes like a wet towel without any damage done to suspension, brakes, or wheels : After more than hundred thousand kilometers, or sixty thousand miles, of heavy duty – well done !
Oh yes, thanks to the unknown driver in red, adrenalin is good, keeps the veins free from stuff. See you in three months again, bloody moron.

19725

Long & boring mid-life-crisis-blah ahead. Better skip it, there’s not even (slightly) interesting music in the links.

*

Not the best of ideas to crawl through youtube with a line of text in one’s head, like “Why don’t you take a good look at yourself and describe what you see, and Baby do you like it?”
I heard variations of it in my head, but it always was Mr Plant calling at me, and finally I identified it as a line from Led Zeppelin’s Misty Mountain Hop. “There you sit, sitting spare like a book on a shelf rustin’ / Ah, not trying to fight it.”
Exactly.
I looked into a mirror, and tried to describe what I see. It is not flattering. Maybe all this greyish non-colour is just a trick of the lightning ? The thinning hair – there is no real translation for the German word schütter that sadly describes it all too good ; the wrinkles under the nose and around the mouth, hewed in with a dull axe – thankfully glasses hide the bags under the eyes.
No, I do not like it.
“Misty Mountains” – ah ja, Flucht, escape. As if there would be a possibility to hide.
Why not go ? EH ?!

For the first time, since a very long gone & unhappy day, I feel alone. Not lonely – there are people, who are near me and to whom I am allowed to be near, people in whose life I am a part, perhaps even an important one – but a daily phone call is not the same like jump into the elevator, walk into the kitchen, cook a meal, spend an evening, living together.
Over time, over the year, über’s Jahr, I will move too. I do not want to stay alone here. Feeling left behind.
So I check websites for jobs in the area, for rooms to rent, try to imagine an other existence in a different place. Why not live in a village, work in the administration there ? What do I want ? What do I need ? What can I afford ?
All I know is that Led Zeppelin’s music does not help me here. I watched interviews with Jimmie Page, and all I could think is : Gosh, darling, you are old and frail – quit it, please. I then trundled to tapes with Waddy Wachtel, and Keith’s X-Pensive Winos – all old white dudes, who hide their bellies behind long black t-shirts, and play music from yesteryear. In Wachtel’s case at least with some furor that has to be admired.
So what has the tragedy of these men to do with me ?
The Stones, The Who, Gentle Giant, of course Steely Dan, achherrjemineh, all this was the soundtrack of my youth, and I wanted it to stay the soundtrack of my adult years. I stuck with this music, never developed a feeling towards Hip’n Hop, found Grunge laughable, like all what was pushed ever since, after Punk and NDW.
There is so much to discover in music – but I always returned to those noisy idiots from the late sixties to the early seventies, basically white dudes with guitars.

I always was too passive, I always allowed things to happen – what is basically not a bad feature – but I never found the “umpf” to make things happen. And that is not good, especially in the long run. Now I am in “the middle of my life”, what is nonsense – I am in my earl fifties, what means that I have, in the best case, another thirty years to live. I can not repeat what I have done, I can not go on repeating how I met situations in my life : I can not go on and react the usual way !
I have to change something. I can not keep on listening to old Stones records and assume it is going on this way, as it clearly never was – I must change.
A friend’s re-construction of life took a little bit more than two years. It was successful, hard and demanding, but successful. What teaches me (a) that such an enterprise is possible, with the correct amount of preparation, and a little luck of course. And (b) that the whole effort is worth it.
I do not want to end like Keith and other heroes of my youth, who seemingly endlessly repeat what they have started forty or more years ago. I can not stay in this dead-end job for the next – what ?! – twenty years ? I can not stay in this appartement that slowly kills me, until I finally succumb to the dust : At one point, not so far away, it will be down to “Breath” or “Books” – and I am not sure who’ll win.
But I know that I can lose.
And, as the last move showed me, I have not the power anymore, my body becomes weak.

Summa summarum : I have to collect my brains together, check out the area I wish to live in, search for a job there, and get rolling. And I have to get rid of old routines : I’m not Keith …