Some hours ago a colleague stopped my vehicle at the local supermarket. I clambered out, we said goodbyes, wished us mutually the best for times to come. He drove away, I visited the supermarket, and finally went home.
On Monday afternoon I felt anxious, and when I pushed open the door to my ophthalmologist my stomach knotted itself. I was on time, they were friendly, I knew that the starting examination would be a “moment of truth”, the result did not disappoint : It was worse than I expected.
When I finally sat opposite her, she asked “And, how is it ?”, only to answer the question herself : “It is really bad.” I had noticed some months ago that reading started to became difficult. So I did what any normal person does, I switched the screen setting from 100 to 110 %. Not a real solution.
When driving started seriously again, I asked for an appointment with my eye doctor, but had to wait for nearly two months, until last Monday. The Graue Star / “grey star” / cataract (as my dictionary calls it) in my right eye has become seriously bad, so that an operation is unavoidable. The degradation can’t be glossed over with glasses any more. I have to admit that I did not want to face this reality, I drove again on Tuesday morning. After this I realised that I am just an accident in waiting, and finally did the right thing : Ask for a sick note & accept the next possible date for a procedure.
My dispatcher was not happy, especially in the actual situation when people for this job are in demand (they even can’t give me a co-driver for months, I see a lot of new faces around), but here we go. What would be the alternative ?
The risk is not acceptable, and the best accident is the one you avoid, so no more driving for me. He amazingly pulled out of his pocket a colleague from another department, and asked me to train him on this route. All good, as long as I would not touch the wheel while kids on board. This was fine with me, and over the last days I was co-driving and explaining. I wish my successor (or stand-in) all the best.
The operation itself is nothing dramatic, I am just a big pansy. The idea that someone will use a knife to cut into my eye freaks me out. Of course I “know” that it is a standard procedure, done a thousands of times any given day, with a minimised risk, and a quasi guaranteed good result. Nevertheless, it is a cut into my eye, and I have to suppress any thought of The Andalusian Dog – no links here, bucket please …
I see it as a chance to find something else, to change things. The roadmap is clear. I have to collect all necessary papers & go for examinations before the given date (7th of December) ; I have to get myself into a state of cool-calm-collected-acceptance. The result of this (first) procedure will determine what follows, under some circumstances a second procedure (on the other eye) may be unavoidable. There will be time for recovery. I will have to get this driving job out of “my system”, and ask meself what i want to do, how to soldier on. It may be time for a hard look into the mirror. I know that i always can return to The Knights, and just keep on doing what I did for a living over the last years.
Tonight I can’t answer this, I even can’t pronounce the questions correctly. It was good to be with the kids this afternoon, and I am glad and thankful that I am not responsible for them any more, for their transport.
Anything else will appear.